A person's a person

I cried for you all today. Some of you would have been teenagers now.  My heart breaks at that thought.  Your lives over before they began.

Photos of Prince George always makes sad.  I see him growing, smiling, playing.  My prince should have been born too, but you joined the angels instead.  When Kate was suffering Hyperemesis Gravidarum, I was suffering a broken heart.  The world celebrated that Kate was pregnant, nobody knew of our personal tragedy.  I have lost my babies at airports, at funerals, at birthday parties, even on Statutory Holidays.  Somehow I have held it together, put the fake smile on, pretending that all is okay, ever hoping that I could get to the toilet before there was too much blood.  Why is there always so much blood when I miscarry?  It freaks me out.  The blood just keeps coming, there is no stopping.  Why is there always so much pain, the cramps, the mini contractions?  The emotional pain is tough enough, without the physical stuff.  My tears mingle with the blood.

Over the years, I have learnt about auto immunity, NK cells, blood clotting enzymes, hidden infection tests, sperm antibodies, fragmented sperm, anembryonic pregnancy, anovulatory cycles, the endocervical mucus pH, differences between hysterosalpingography (HSG) and Hystero-salpingo-contrast-sonography (HyCoSy).  I have learnt about vitamin D deficiency, follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and anti-mullerian hormone (AMH),  estradiol, and progesterone. I understand the advantage of folic acid and iodine for neural tube development.  Salmon and avocados are part of my diet, along with arginine, crushed flaxseed, CoQ10, not forgetting to eat 2 kiwifruit, and 2 brazil nuts a day.  

I know too much about Triple X Syndrome, Trisomy 13 Patau Syndrome, Trisomy 18 Edwards Syndrome, and the leading cause of miscarriage - Trisomy 16.  With all these other chromosomal syndromes, Downs (Trisomy 21) is the least of my worries.  I hear my biological clock ticking loudly. I will be 47 soon.  What are my hormones up to?  Is my thyroid working properly?  Can I sustain a pregnancy?  How far away is Menopause? 

Not so long ago, a friend told me she was pregnant.  I know she was disappointed in my lack of enthusiastic response.  I am happy for her.  I wanted to tell her that we were pregnant too.  But I couldn’t, I was afraid.  Afraid of the future, afraid that I would have to tell her, sometime in the next few months, that our baby had died.  The fear cripples me.  I want to yell from the roof tops that I am pregnant.  I want to rejoice and celebrate that we are having a baby, but I can’t. I’m terrified.  I take one day at a time.  At the end of each day, I allow myself hope.  We got through this day, we are still pregnant. Breathe and smile, and spend a few moments in a fantasy bubble.
 

I really thought you would be the “one”.  We got so much further along this time.  I had even dared to dream of our life together.   I have come crashing down so hard, I am not sure if I can pick up the pieces this time.

How quietly you tiptoed into our world.
Softly, only a moment you stayed
but what an imprint
your footprints have left
upon our hearts.

Unknown

I don’t want to get out of bed, I want to hide away.  Everything is grey, everything tastes grey, I feel grey.  Today I don’t smile.  I wipe my tears away at work.  I hide my pain behind an “everything is okay” mask. I cry at the traffic lights.  I wept crossing the road.  I think of you all, and how much I miss you.  I sit in the car and cry.  I want to bawl my eyes out, but I have to drive.  I see pregnant mothers dropping their precious children off at school; the pain – I put the fake face on, wipe the tears away.  My brain is useless, I cannot focus on anything, I can’t remember anything.  It’s all mush. One day at a time, survival.  I know from past experience, that one day, I will get my life back in some sort of order, and feel the sun shine on my face again.  You will not be forgotten.

Tighe Hockey

 Tighe has had a fabulous season this year.  He still takes my breath away when he starts to dribble the ball.  He has amazing skills.  Yep, I am a proud Mama.

 Tighe averaged 2 goals per game. That's over 20 goals in the season.  His defense was amazing as well.  He would not let the ball past when playing Ruamata, our toughest team to play.

Some days it was ice hockey

 I was especially proud of Tighe, when he would take the time to show the less experienced team mates how to dribble, and use their hockey stick more effectively.  A great team player.

Rainbow Quilters 25 years

Rainbow Quilters, Rotorua, decided to do a commomorative quilt for their 25 years Anniversary, that represented all the members - called Circle of Friends.  The background would be grey / silver, and the rest would be made from scraps.  Over 20 members started the quilt project, and 12 finished theirs for the quilt show.

I have only been quilting since 2007, and I don't normally do patchwork piecing and applique, I usually do quiltings,  whole cloth quilts, and thread painting, so this was a whole new experience for me. This was way outside my comfort zone.

 The group started last year in June, but I was a late start due to other commitments.  I started in August. Each month, on the first Tuesday, Jill from Cottage Flair would give us the next part of the pattern. 

 It was a work in progress, and none of us had seen the final design, as Jill hadn't finished it!  Each member's colour choices were a reflection of the quilts they had made in the past.  Brights, pastles, browns, pinks, blues, purple, and batiks were all represented in the quilts.

 The inside star was the first installment. The pattern reminded me of a sunflower, and so I chose oranges and yellows as my colours, and decided that I would use orange as my scrap theme thoughout the quilt.

The dancing ladies were the next month's installment.  I chose Red skirts, Orange and Green tops, and yellow shoes.

Squaring off the quilt was the next months installment. I chose Orange roses and green leaves.  Very traditional, but this would probably be the only traditional pieced and appliqued quilt I will make.

 The pieced circle and squares where the next months installment.  I wanted the colour to move from light in the center to darker on the edges.  Yellow, Orange, Red, and Green/Brown were my colour ways.

The 4 wheels were next.  I foundation pieced mine, and chose orange for the centres, yellow for the inside spokes, and red for the outside spokes. Dark green held the wheel together.  I chose more orange for the roses, to carry the colour through from the rest of the roses on the quilt.

 The final pieced border had over 200 petals, and I wanted to create movement with colour from yellow to dark red.

 The final border, I pieced all the dark red and black fabric scraps I had, and that was the border.

For the binding ,I used the brown/black maori patterned fabric that were part of the green/brown circle and squares. 

Circle of Friends

The quilt glowed like I hoped it would and I was really pleased how the quilt turn out.  This project gave me a greater appreciation for the skills used for traditional patchwork, and I would not have been able to create my quilt, without the amazing support and encouragement from all the members of Rainbow Quilters, thank you.

Snow!

Snow on the hills around Wellington

I get a little excited about the white stuff.  We don't see it very often in Rotorua.  We were all hoping to see some on our trip to Wellington, it was cold enough! On the long drive back to Rotorua, there was anticipation before Taihape, as snow was on the surrounding hills, then coming into Waiouru, SNOW!!!

 The urchins got a chance to play in the snow before it got too dark.  They got cold enough quickly, and were glad of the blankets in the car, once we were on the road again.

Oscar pretending he is warm

Snow around Erik's shoes

Boys and snow

 The snow was soft, and wonderful, and perfect for throwing at small boys.

 I thought the snow in the trees were beautiful, something exotic and special.

 Tighe was surprised how quickly his feet and hands got cold while playing in the snow.

 Watch out Mum, I will get you!

 I liked how the snow rested on top of the fence posts.

 Just like a Christmas card from the Northern Hemisphere.

Weta or White Lego?

 The urchins always drag us along to the Weta Cave.  Anneke was excited to be able to hold this special sword.  Balin's sword from "The Hobbit".

 Even Quinn and Tighe got into the act, luckily there were no Orcs around.

We spent some time at the Weta cave, and learnt about how often Actors have to "die" when doing a death scene, and the advantage of cabbage when it comes to the sound of bones breaking.  Later in the day, the City Gallery captured their imagination, and hours were spent building architectural creations, as part of an art installation.

Anneke and her skyscraper

 Quinn and Tighe worked on separate components, and then joined them together, just before we left.

Cousins, cousins, cousins

Willem

My highlight of the trip to Wellington was catching up with the nephews.  They have grown, and they talk, and they laugh.

Hendrik

We gave Willem and Hendrik some balls, that when bounced, activated a flashing light.  Quinn and Tighe still say "Flashing!, Flashing!" when something amuses them.
Silas was visiting as well, and joined in the hunt for the "bone", that Quinn marched through the house.  Lots of noise and lots of smiles.  A wonderful evening.

Silas

The 3 Musketeers...

Hut or Slide?

Managed a catch up with Pete and Hana.  Great to see Fern, and meet Anahera for the first time. Gorgeous!  Pete's and Hana's news made me happy sad.  I am so happy for them, sad for us.
The older urchins showed the younger ones how to build a hut, complete with slide.
Magical times.

 

Seals, seals, and more seals.

 

Further around the bay from the Red Rocks is the seal colony.

View from the top of "Devil's Gate"

 The seals just lie in the sun.  Humans are ignored unless they get too close.

Looking towards the South Island

 Quinn and Tighe counted at least 160 seals.  I just watched the seals sunning themselves.

Anneke climbing up one of the rocks for a better view of the seals.

Tighe and Quinn "conquering" the rock and wind.

 After a while, lichen grows on seal poo.