A person's a person

I cried for you all today. Some of you would have been teenagers now.  My heart breaks at that thought.  Your lives over before they began.

Photos of Prince George always makes sad.  I see him growing, smiling, playing.  My prince should have been born too, but you joined the angels instead.  When Kate was suffering Hyperemesis Gravidarum, I was suffering a broken heart.  The world celebrated that Kate was pregnant, nobody knew of our personal tragedy.  I have lost my babies at airports, at funerals, at birthday parties, even on Statutory Holidays.  Somehow I have held it together, put the fake smile on, pretending that all is okay, ever hoping that I could get to the toilet before there was too much blood.  Why is there always so much blood when I miscarry?  It freaks me out.  The blood just keeps coming, there is no stopping.  Why is there always so much pain, the cramps, the mini contractions?  The emotional pain is tough enough, without the physical stuff.  My tears mingle with the blood.

Over the years, I have learnt about auto immunity, NK cells, blood clotting enzymes, hidden infection tests, sperm antibodies, fragmented sperm, anembryonic pregnancy, anovulatory cycles, the endocervical mucus pH, differences between hysterosalpingography (HSG) and Hystero-salpingo-contrast-sonography (HyCoSy).  I have learnt about vitamin D deficiency, follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and anti-mullerian hormone (AMH),  estradiol, and progesterone. I understand the advantage of folic acid and iodine for neural tube development.  Salmon and avocados are part of my diet, along with arginine, crushed flaxseed, CoQ10, not forgetting to eat 2 kiwifruit, and 2 brazil nuts a day.  

I know too much about Triple X Syndrome, Trisomy 13 Patau Syndrome, Trisomy 18 Edwards Syndrome, and the leading cause of miscarriage - Trisomy 16.  With all these other chromosomal syndromes, Downs (Trisomy 21) is the least of my worries.  I hear my biological clock ticking loudly. I will be 47 soon.  What are my hormones up to?  Is my thyroid working properly?  Can I sustain a pregnancy?  How far away is Menopause? 

Not so long ago, a friend told me she was pregnant.  I know she was disappointed in my lack of enthusiastic response.  I am happy for her.  I wanted to tell her that we were pregnant too.  But I couldn’t, I was afraid.  Afraid of the future, afraid that I would have to tell her, sometime in the next few months, that our baby had died.  The fear cripples me.  I want to yell from the roof tops that I am pregnant.  I want to rejoice and celebrate that we are having a baby, but I can’t. I’m terrified.  I take one day at a time.  At the end of each day, I allow myself hope.  We got through this day, we are still pregnant. Breathe and smile, and spend a few moments in a fantasy bubble.
 

I really thought you would be the “one”.  We got so much further along this time.  I had even dared to dream of our life together.   I have come crashing down so hard, I am not sure if I can pick up the pieces this time.

How quietly you tiptoed into our world.
Softly, only a moment you stayed
but what an imprint
your footprints have left
upon our hearts.

Unknown

I don’t want to get out of bed, I want to hide away.  Everything is grey, everything tastes grey, I feel grey.  Today I don’t smile.  I wipe my tears away at work.  I hide my pain behind an “everything is okay” mask. I cry at the traffic lights.  I wept crossing the road.  I think of you all, and how much I miss you.  I sit in the car and cry.  I want to bawl my eyes out, but I have to drive.  I see pregnant mothers dropping their precious children off at school; the pain – I put the fake face on, wipe the tears away.  My brain is useless, I cannot focus on anything, I can’t remember anything.  It’s all mush. One day at a time, survival.  I know from past experience, that one day, I will get my life back in some sort of order, and feel the sun shine on my face again.  You will not be forgotten.